Finding a way through grief

 I hadn’t known until that day...Grief is like caged fear. 

And if you let enough tears come and not be afraid, the tears can wash away the walls, and you will breathe again. 

It will hurt. 

You may never fully recover. 

But who wants to cover over the memories of them and all the ways their love opened us up? 

Wherever our hearts are broken open, their love lives on forever in us right there. 

And that’s the thing: It’s the broken hearts that find the haunting loveliness of a new beat — it’s the broken hearts that make a song that echoes God’s. 

Pay no mind to anything that tries to tell you different: Grief is the guaranteed price we pay for love.

If you hold the past too tightly, your arms have no room for the present — no room for the gifts of now.

There’s a way to let the burn of your pain become a fuel for your way.

What is my greatest fear?

What is my greatest motivator?

What is Truth?

Who is God?

What is Success?

Unless you ask yourself the right questions, your life will never live into the right answers.

The greatest motivator can be fear. 

This will kill you 

The greatest fear can be that grace and God will run out and there won’t be enough — we won’t be enough. 

This fear is a fraud. 

Let go of the lie.

All fear is executed with one line: There is enough. 

All fear shrivels when you serenade it with one refrain: There is abundance. 

There is always more — because God is always here. 

There is enough. God is enough — and He makes everything enough.

The only reality is relationship.

Because Truth is God — if you don’t make time for intimacy with Him, the lies of everything else make you insane.

When you make islands of intimacy with God, you can survive any storm.

Love is not always agreement with someone, but it is always sacrifice for someone. 

Success is showing up and kneeling down.

There are a handful of questions that are always waiting to take our hand and find a way through.

The power to change

 So I was thinking about a question I was asked awhile ago.

 If I was able to change anything in my past would I?

My first reaction was “oh yes, there are some things I would definitely do different.”

But then I felt God moving through my heart. 

There are some mistakes I have made.

 

There are some incidence I would like to be erased. 

There are some obvious mistakes that I know others have thought I made.  

But then I thought of my oldest and then my second oldest, both born out of wedlock. 

Yes being easily willing to give my heart away to anyone that was asking is definitely something I would want to change. 

I do wish I would have protected myself more. 

Then I thought they would not be here and without them I would not be who I am today. 

So my answer to that question is 

no, I would not change ANYTHING in my past.

I would not change the love I gave hoping in return to receive the same love back. 

I loved passionately even when the one I was loving was “not feeling it.” 

I reached inside my heart and became what that person I loved needed at that time.  

Yes it hurt. 

Yes I was rejected....but it felt good too; It felt good to love someone when they didn’t feel lovable.

I would never want to change that moment when I saw my love push through their hate. 

To see freshness in their eyes; a sort of freedom to be you and still be loved. 

No matter how much pain I felt it was overcame by  the washing of acceptance. 

I would not change the hurt, the rejection, the battles. 

I would take them in with all the love, 

the support

&& peace that I have had as well. 

Without all I have experienced I would not be me. 

The good and the bad. 

Which if you think about it wasn't really bad it just seemed that way at the time. 

I could let the bitterness and pain over take me if I chose but I choose to be stronger than my pain. 

I choose to push through that bitterness and help others to love instead of joining the hate. 

Undoing

I'm in a different season in my life. I find myself worrying about things I never thought would enter my mind. 

Last night was dark... I was wondering, "God where are you? "Cause it feels like you've abandoned me." I fell asleep with tears streaming down my face and the love of my life lulling me to sleep with sweet prayers. 

I felt the difference before my eyes popped open. Even though I may have questioned God and the way He is handling my life right now🙈  He was still gentle with me. I didn't deserve it trust me. 

Do any of us?

The soft light from the sun reminded me of his gentle caress and how much he delights in me, like when the ray of light bounces through the window and you see the dust dancing around us. (It always reminded me of fairy dust as a child) 

As the day carries on he reminded me that He is with me. But what stood out the most was how three times the Lord brought to my heart (in different ways) "be still and know that I am God!" That amazes me! 

Why would God reach through time and touch me right when I need it. 

Undoing me...

Breaking apart all I have ever known and found comfort in, cause it wasn't good for me. Just to show me how wonderful I can be if I let go and let God. What did I ever do to be loved so much by God, why'd He choose me?

I love your word. My soul longs for it and when you speak to me I have no choice but to listen. My heart stops and I look for you. I seek you out like lost pearls. This game of hide and seek You play I enjoy. So I wait. Eyes closed. Feeling you move step by step closer to me. And now as I sit at Your feet I will trust that through all this you still got me; you know me, every detail of my being You know. And you are doing a wonderful work in me that one day I'll look back and say WOW! God really did know what He was doing and He is good cause He is God! He has a plan for me. 

The Love of the Lord

I love how God weaves together his word and guidance to speak faith in us no matter what we are going through. 

"For I am persuaded, neither death, nor life, nor Angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"- Romans 8:38-39

"Now, soul, is your love not refreshed? Does this scripture not make you love Jesus? Does a flight through the unlimited plains of heavenly love not inflame your heart and compel you to delight yourself in the Lord your God? Surely as we meditate on " the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more." - C.H. Spurgeon

As I walk through the wilderness and mountains are stacked all around me, I will keep my eyes on you  I know you will move those mountains and bring me out into the promise land. My heart burns for you cause you burn for me. I love you cause you loved me first. 

Fear was setting in. It has been 7 weeks since my husband had a job. i don’t know how we are going to keep our heads above water. How can we keep our house and feed 12 kids (we have 13 our oldest as flown the coop) without a job!

I grabbed the kids bible curriculum and had every one turn to Exodus 13:17-22, When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God...led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Isreal went up out of the land of egypt equipped for battle. Moses took the bones of Joseph with him, for Joseph had made the sons of Isreal solemnly swear, saying, God will... surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones with you from here.” And they moved on from Succoth and encamped at Ethan, on the edge of the wilderness. And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people. 

Then it hit me God will never forsake us no matter what the circumstance. He is always guiding us through situations, Day or night He is there leading us even when we can not see the end of the road. Even in this position I am in God is still in control and He will see me through to the promise land. 

So what do I do? I keep preserving. I keep pushing through and doing what God has told me to do all along. Raise my kids to the glory and knowledge of God. To leave a legacy that will further Gods kingdom in love and grace for generations to generations. To provide hope to the perishing and faith to the lost. 

Off course is where I would of found myself. In the stress of right now, I would of stopped pursuing God and started pursuing the worries of life. God comes through in our everyday life to show us His love. To give us peace through gentle whispers of bedtime stories, raindrops and rainbows. These are the moments I want to look back on and say WOW, God truly does love me!

A Force to Love

There are days when I just want to quit, throw in the towel. There are days when I dream that putting my kids in school so I can get a job or go back to school myself sounds like a refuge from stress.

If I could do more for myself then life would be perfect. 

The other day I was reading to the kids about a missionary family that's in an unreached people group in Asia. The families living arrangements  was not ideal as you can imagine. No plumbing, no electricity, scarce food and water; fear of death hanging around every corner. 

I realized that when these missionary's sent out request to the church for supplies. The church didn't respond back with discouragement. They didn't ask them "why are you doing this?", "Why are you putting your children through this, you know you don't have too." They didn't ask them what about "socialization." They didn't tell them to pursue something more desirable. They encouraged them and tried to help them to further their mission. 

And why? 

Why do these missionaries even through all the hardship still persevere?

There's a force; a force of love for the lost. A force to give hope to them who are hopeless and fearful.  A force to those who are deteriorating. They have no vision, no purpose. 

If we don't go who will?

As I realized this I started to cry and see my need for repentance. The life God put me in I was being ungrateful for. I was being pulled in the direction of what others thought best instead of rejoicing in the blessings that the Lord has given me.

 My job as a mother is no different than a missionary. Yes I know I have plumbing and healthy eating choices. But as a mother I am always encouraged to pursue my dreams and to even put my children aside to fulfill my dreams. I'm told that in the long run it will be best for them cause I'll be happier. But I need to learn to be happy where I'm at. I need to have that force of love for my children. That force that shakes me up and out of my "it's all about me" state. To know that I may not see the harvest that I sowed. But for me there is no greater joy than to know my children walk in truth. And no education, no job can provide that for me. 

A Storm Is Raging

Have you ever had those moments like a storm is raging and you know you need to take refuge in a quiet place to regroup and make a game plan, a plan to save your family from drowning?

That's where I was a few weeks ago.

Watching the storm bellow and wanting to run and hide.

I didn't know how or where to start.

But that afternoon I knew something had to change.

Looking down at all those brown and blue eyes welling up, wet with pain and confusion, cause momma has down right lost it, and we are all pretty sure it's for good this time. 

Then it hit home, straight to the heart.

You need this!

You need this alone time...these moments to fall on your face and cry out to the one who ransomed you.

Listen...listen to the slow and steady beat of his voice saying I made you for this.

In my strength you will rise up and be called blessed. Only through me will your mourning turn to joy. Only when you keep your eyes on me will you find refuge from the storm. 

Leave a comment below sharing how you regroup after the pressures of life have left you weary. 

A Heart Uncontained

There's that pull again... That old call to run away. To run from the One that made me; the One that knows my needs before I do. You see me in my gardens; no amount of leaves can hide my shame. 

There's no place I can run that your love won't find me. You see me wherever I hide. You call me out with your whole heart. Singing over me with GRACE and MERCY. 

You don't see my sin, my broken heart. You picked up all the pieces and healed me, every piece of me. You give every part of who you are to make me whole! So I lay down my life at your feet, and here I stay. No more judgement... no more hiding underneath the blanket of SHAME and GUILT. No more shutting who I am in the closet of UNFORGIVENESS.

"You delight in showing mercy and mercy triumphs over judgement"

I am FREE! 

Bought by the blood of the lamb; who has made me white as snow!

Full of UNCONTAINABLE FIRE!

Have you ever felt like running and hiding? I would love to hear how God has pulled you out of your hiding places. Leave a comment down below and light up the darkness.